


i can't let go of her

by raykay



Series: call me a mess [1]
Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival ALL STARS (Video Game), ラブライブ! 虹ヶ咲学園スクールアイドル同好会 | Love Live! Nijigasaki Gakuen School Idol Doukoukai (Anime)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Jealousy, Love Triangles, Pining, Second Chances, but i never finished it just know abt the setsuyuuayumu drama, hesitant, i think there would be a happy ending, kind of sad kind of okay ? idrk, kind of self depricating on ayumu's end, partially based off the newest episode, really just ayumu's internal monologue or thoughts, they literally all are in love but ayumu is kind of blind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:14:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,903
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27946619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raykay/pseuds/raykay
Summary: deep seated insecurities are the worst kind.
Relationships: Mentioned Nakasu Kasumi/Ousaka Shizuku, Takasaki Yuu/Uehara Ayumu, Takasaki Yuu/Uehara Ayumu/Yuuki Setsuna, Takasaki Yuu/Yuuki Setsuna, Uehara Ayumu/Yuuki Setsuna
Series: call me a mess [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2053107
Comments: 6
Kudos: 44





	i can't let go of her

**Author's Note:**

> i literally haven't even finished the newest episode (literally this isn't supposed to really be about the episode, just the setsuyuu moment, not rlly like. i wouldn't say this is based off of the episode, just that one instance) but all the second year love triangle things make me feel so drained. however, ayumu angst got me thinking a lil. idk how close to canon this would be but i just. i think i feel a lil bad bc my friends r calling her super jealous after the setsuyuu moment and i just feel like i need to give her some kind of attention, she's not my fave but she's def cool. also why tf r there two spellings for setsuna's last name on here i lakshflkajf  
> edit: idk why it says chapter. i literally ? this is a standalone unless i make another but i'd put it in another work. so odd but it's whateva. so i just put the work name in there again

Becoming friends with others was hard. That was the first thing Ayumu had learned when she and Yuu ended up going to Nijigasaki High. Unlike her friend, Ayumu tended to be a little quieter when it came to being in crowds. Yuu wasn't the most social person, but she could always hold her own in a new situation. Ayumu would fall silent and just go along with the conversation. Maybe she would nod along, chime in occasionally, but she feared being too much. She didn't hide who she was, she just didn't always acknowledge people. She'd stay quiet for a bit and just get comfortable. Their mutual friends knew Yuu as the social one, and Ayumu as her quieter friend. That wasn't to say she was always silent, she just took ages to grasp onto a friend group. She needed Yuu there too. Then things were fine. That was all she needed. Time, and her closest friend.

That was why the idol club was a huge step.

Ayumu was putting herself out there. Kasumi had tried to get her to be cute, and while she wasn't cute in the same way Kasumi was, she was trying. Ayumu thought she'd been pretty cute when she'd gotten her intro down. Maybe it wasn't cute, there could be a different word that fit there. Like... Elegant maybe. No, that didn't feel quite right either. It had been weeks since that moment, and she still couldn't think of the right terminology for the video. Sometimes she re-watched it, read the comments below the video. She would have _never_ done that before. It felt a little vain. Especially when Kasumi had caught her doing it. However, the girl had just shot Ayumu a smug grin.

 _"Not so humble now, are we Ayumu?"_ Followed by an all too knowing giggle. _"Don't worry! Your secret's safe with lil 'ol Kasumin! I do that too, I need to know what the fans want. And what better way to do that than read their comments?"_ She had then leaned over to look at the other's screen to read some of the comments. She had gasped, grinning when she saw a certain comment. _"What about this one? 'I'd love to see her do something with other idols. She has such a friendly aura!' That's good. They think you're friendly. Hey, if Yuu was an idol, I'm sure people would love to see you perform together."_

Ayumu had thought often of that moment since then. What did Kasumi mean? Why had she brought Yuu up? Maybe it was just because everyone knew that Ayumu and Yuu were friends. That gave her a moment of pride. Yuu was friendly, she was friendly with everyone. Yet of all the members of the idol club, Kasumi had said that Ayumu would do a performance best with Yuu. Right? That was what she'd meant by that.  
Although Yuu didn't want to be an idol, Ayumu kept entertaining the thought. What kind of song would they sing together? A heartfelt ballad would be interesting, but she wasn't sure it would fit Yuu's style. Yuu would sing a song like Ai. Just a little less... Sporty. That was how she would describe Ai's songs. Ai loved that energy that reminded Ayumu of being in a stadium or something. A stadium. She and Yuu could perform in a huge stadium. A two part song that showed their differences, but also told how much they cared for one another. Something more than just a song between two friends. A song between two _lovers_. Oh! That was too intense a thought for Ayumu to dwell on. She could feel her face growing red just sitting there. Outfits! What would they wear?  
Pink would be what Ayumu was dressed in. A pink dress, maybe knee length. It would have plenty of frills, sleeveless with black tulle on the edge of the skirt. A petticoat with black tulle as well. The for Yuu... Something black. Elegant but fun. She didn't know what that would look like. But she wanted to see it. Asking Yuu would help, but she knew her friend would say something about how she had no interest in being an idol. Just supporting them through their journey as an idol. Still. She wanted to know all of these things about Yuu. They had been friends forever, Ayumu felt closer to Yuu than anyone else. Yet she didn't know what felt like simple information. Yuu knew all these things about her, she had to. So Ayumu needed to know these things about her.

Ai knew these things about Rina, and Rina knew them about Ai. It was the same for Shizuku and Kasumi. They just _knew_. But Ayumu didn't know this about her best friend. About the girl she had a crush on. Shizuku and Kasumi were what she and Yuu were supposed to be. They were so close, they knew so much about each other, and they were never jealous. They probably never felt the way Ayumu did right now. Ai was always so positive, she and Rina were always working together. Sure they helped the rest of the idol club, but it was clear they had a soft spot for each other. They were close. Was it so wrong for Ayumu to want Yuu to treat her the way that they treated each other? She just wanted someone to hold her hand. And her hand only. She remembered once she and Yuu were walking home from school after practice, and Setsuna had asked to join. She couldn't say no. But Yuu had said yes so quickly. When Setsuna said something about how they were holding hands, Ayumu had wanted to say that _she_ had been holding Yuu's hand. Yuu, sweet Yuu, had said _"Well, lucky for you guys I have two hands!"_ The laughter from her and Setsuna felt like it was mocking her. It made her feel so stupid. Did Yuu not see how hard she was trying for her?

That was another thought she had often. She tried so hard for Yuu. Did she not see any of that? Maybe she wasn't interested, but she could at least tell her. They had been friends forever. For Yuu to decide to cut Ayumu off so abruptly would feel so bad. But at least she would be being honest. However, Ayumu knew she was taking some of this too personally. Yuu being friends and helping manage everyone in the idol club wasn't a big deal. It was the more personal connections she had forged with a few members. 

Like Setsuna. Setsuna. The one whose music Yuu had been obsessed with as soon as she found out about the idol club. The one who had pushed Yuu to do any of this. That was who Yuu was for her. Yuu was Ayumu's inspiration. _I can't lose her. I can't let her go._ Losing Yuu would be the worst thing that could have ever happened to her.  
What was almost worse, was that she didn't hate Setsuna. Ayumu admired her too. The way she practiced nonstop, the way she was so passionate, the way she was able to live a double life. Or something close to it. It was all good. Setsuna was someone who made Ayumu feel the same way Yuu did, but that was hard. Because she didn't know if she wanted Setsuna to make her feel that way. Not when it felt like she was stopping Ayumu from talking to Yuu.  
Setsuna didn't hate Ayumu though. Not that Ayumu hated her. She couldn't. There was no way she could hate someone like that. Setsuna just didn't understand, it was clear she hadn't seen how Ayumu felt about Yuu. And Ayumu, ever the shy girl, couldn't tell her that. She had reverted to the little girl who wasn't able to step into a friend group and socialize. Instead falling silent and letting everyone adjust to the quiet Ayumu.

When they'd done a training camp, everything felt fun. Everything except the evening. Having gone to find Yuu, Ayumu saw something she just wished she hadn't seen. The stinging sensation that had pierced through her heart when she had seen it came flooding back. But she couldn't push the image from her mind. Yuu and Setsuna were so close. _Too close._ It just hurt. Ayumu should have actually said something sooner. Anything. 

That was when things changed a little bit. Because she knew how selfish she was being. She just wanted something like that. She and Yuu had been like that before. Now they weren't because... Well, she didn't actually know. They'd stayed close in large groups of friends before. So what was different about the idol group? She wanted Setsuna and Yuu to be happy, if what she had seen was an insinuation of what she thought it would be. It had taken days to work up the courage she knew it would take to go and talk with Yuu about it. She couldn't speak with Setsuna about it. Ayumu had thought of asking Kasumi to find out, but he knew the other girl was inevitably going to be caught. Setsuna was too good at sniffing out a lie. So she didn't say anything about it. However, the longer and longer she stayed silent about it, the longer it ate at her. 

So one day after practice, she had looked at Yuu and smiled. "Ready to walk home?" Yuu nodded at the words.  
"Of course! Should we ask Setsuna to walk with us?"  
Ayumu paused, trying to focus on one thing at a time. "Is it okay if it's just us today? She can walk with us tomorrow, I just have to make a shortcut. And doesn't she have student council today?"  
"Oh yeah! She totally does. I don't know how I forgot, it's a Wednesday." Yuu laughed, "That's my bad!"

As the two girls walked down the street, Yuu didn't seem to sense what was off. Ayumu was glad, and the two of them spoke together about simple things like classes and what their days had been like. That was when Ayumu had stopped. "Hey, Yuu." Yuu had stopped in her tracks as well.  
"Yes?"  
"Can I ask you a question?"

The silence that hung in the air felt deafening. Yuu hadn't said anything. She just looked surprised. And nervous. What did she have to be nervous about? Ayumu suddenly felt her stomach tying itself into knots. What was she doing? Oh god, she felt so stupid in the moment. 

Yuu broke the silence, "You just did silly!" She let out an awkward giggle.  
"Oh!" Ayumu felt her face flush red. "Yeah, you're right. I just did. But really, do you..." She couldn't do it. "Do you want to go and get some snacks? I'm hungry and I saw this really cool looking new place. It's a little off the path, but I thought it would be fun to try them together."  
Yuu grinned, nodding. "For sure." She looked a little confused but happy. "Hey Ayu. You know you can tell me anything, right?"  
Ayumu nodded, though she wasn't sure if that was true. "I know Yuu. Now let's go eat!"

Maybe today just wasn't the day for her to confess. She needed to work up the courage for it first. All Ayumu could hope, was that she wasn't too late.

**Author's Note:**

> i might make a part two tho idk, something where they all get together or work out their feelings, i'm just a sucker for cliffhangers tehehe


End file.
